A Peace of My Mind

Incubation – shutdown – black hole – tunnel – vortex – closed – gone fishing – drowning – hibernation – underground – imprisonment – cornered

Shadowlands – where the sun doesn’t shine – C S Lewis

It all produced a blank canvas for God to write on…Hallelujah!

Times when I was useful came to mind…

Remember how the whole world could not produce face masks, suitable to protect medical staff in quick time!

I was grinding my teeth in annoyance…

I felt like they needed someone like me who could buy products for the giant cosmetic house I worked for in South Africa. A leading, prestigious, fussy, particular about everything, American company. If Quality Control did not approve a product – it was rejected. Marketing people went nuts for lost sales – but QC was priority.

They loved me because when I ordered something, I chased, hounded, took no excuse, until the product landed on our floor.

I learned to scrutinize everything before seeking approval, proof read every word twice before submitting to marketing, who together with the CEO and directors, came to trust me.

I monitored right down to the time they would deliver.

Marketing had less loss of sales due to the ‘out of stock’ report I monitored daily.

***

Why couldn’t governments obtain life saving masks on time?

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At least it got my writing juices flowing – on paper though, not up for blogging

The gloominess of lockdown actually helped me.

God cleared out my mind and showed me things which lifted me out of my despair. But I was slow in recovery.

I needn’t be scared to be me anymore – I’m okay…

A walk in the park – had a whole new meaning. That’s all I could do sometimes.

I needn’t climb the walls or talk to the wall like Shirley Valentine anymore.

God was always with me, guiding, teaching, cleansing, whatever it took, and bringing things to mind to encourage again…

Long ago in South Africa – Cape Town actually. I got off the bus and turned to walk away, when I saw a ‘homeless looking’ dark man – not young – grab the rail to climb the ridiculously high steps, the single decker busses have. But the bus driver pulled off!

I stood horrified – for a moment – then ran after the speeding bus, that carried the man hanging on the outside for his life.

Wearing a cream coloured Trench coat, which flared out behind me, as I ran along the road screaming to the bus driver; was quite the apparition to behold.

The man dropped to the ground – cars and people stopped and stared.

I ran up to him and lifted his bleeding head and face – rummaged for a tissue to wipe him – naturally he was stunned and hurt. I tried to lift him but failed – then a young white girl came up to help me – but the two of us could not lift this big man who was a ‘dead weight’ really …

“Oh Jesus please help us Lord”! I cried – then in a flash the man was standing on his feet – even before I stood up.

The dark skinned driver stopped the bus by this time and walked back to the scene.

I’m sorry he said – we’re not allowed to let them on the bus.

Don’t worry about that now I said and gave him money to take the gentleman as near as possible to his destination. And off they went.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

Praise Jesus my Saviour.

If you know Jesus – call on Him to help you help others, and be his hands and feet.

Pixaby picture.

Sometimes its tough motivating yourself to get up and go and feel positive when all around you seems to be crumbling, and your plans seem insurmountable, they don’t really work out as you’d hoped.

Praying and asking our Father to forgive our doubts and weaknesses can sometimes result in amazing turnarounds.

He reminded me of a time when my daughter took me to Venice a couple of years ago in non stop rain all the way from Heathrow. As we were nearing Venice, the captain announced that we were due to land soon, but unfortunately, they’ve asked him to divert as visibility is nil with all the rain. He also said, that we only had 20 minutes left of fuel and its not possible to divert!

Whooa that’s not good! I said to my daughter common lets pray. We asked our heavenly Father to save the Captain and all of us on the plane and make a way for us to land safely in Venice. We need your help right now and trust in your almighty power to save us.

The Captain suddenly announced to fasten seat belts we’re landing!

Taxiing to the airport buildings, he came over the speaker and apologised for the hasty change – but “there was a sudden 10 minute window of clouds parting and 4 planes landed – then closed up again”.

Matthew 8:25-26 And they came to Him and woke Him saying save us Lord we are perishing! He said to them, why are you afraid, you men of little faith? Then He got up and rebuked the winds and the sea, and it became perfectly calm.

O my Lord you are mighty. You are supreme and sovereign. Forgive me for allowing worldly things and unkind words and behaviours to knock my faith about, when all the while dear Jesus, You are near and in charge.

Praise You almighty God, my Saviour. Hallelujah! Who is there like you.

Mark 6:34

When Jesus went ashore, he saw a large crowd and he felt compassion for them because they were like sheep without a shepherd.

I could relate. I’d been a Christian a dozen years or so and now living in UK. I was employed by a Care Agency back in Cape Town and journeying by train to the north to meet them for training.

London transport was terrifying. I had no idea there’d be so many stairs up and down all over the place. All my worldly goods were in the one suitcase I was lugging about in that rabbit warren.

People warned me to stand at the bus stop to board, otherwise they wouldn’t stop. There were so many buses shunting along I was confused. And busy London – they’re impatient. I waited obediently and waved to my bus pulling away – he hollered $%”£*?% vile language calling me a lazy something and pulled off.  I was far sighted so wasn’t wearing my specs, I asked the time at the train ticket office, he yelled ‘avnt yer gotta watch?!

Wow the land of hope and glory – where were those from ‘Songs of Praise’ I’d seen on the telly – ‘twas more like ‘The Weakest Link’ – where ripping people apart with words flowed naturally.

No wonder my ex was – well like he was – if that’s all he learnt growing up. Poor kid.

The train ride though, was definitely England’s green and pleasant land. I loved it, and the fields with animals and ducks and swans on lakes – it was magical. I smiled when I saw horses with funny blankets on, and wondered if my horse Nevada, would have liked a blanket – nah – he would’ve yanked it right off and stomped all over it, such a naughty boy. I’m sure he thought he was a puppy – followed me everywhere. Right into our stable doored kitchen one day – stable doors are horsey doors after all. Funny how the mind travels. Another lifetime.

I loved my granny, she died when I was ten years old so I felt sure I’d be fine with caring for the elderly in their own homes. I had great respect for older folk and was looking forward to learning from them and finding out about my new adopted country.

We were told in training that all clients are different and some may enjoy companionship, whilst others, well, just do your job and stay out of sight. Most people were polite and courteous but definitely suspicious. It’s only natural I thought, having strangers in the house, besides, the silver and all that. Quite a scary undertaking especially when their health was failing. Heart-breaking actually.

The most important lesson I learned was understanding how black people felt in South Africa.

Living in – did mean being available – obviously. I didn’t mind. I wanted to make life easier and peaceful. But there was one who called for hot chocolate at 3am every night/morning. And most mornings it was still there – cold. I was often shouted at and treated like a slave, until one night I cried to the Lord for answers. I heard a clear voice in my mind – “How long are you going to put up with it?”

That was a good lesson for me. I had to stop being a doormat. I was in a new country and I was afraid.  And my server nature led easily to abuse. When I told her the next morning to stop barking at me because I was there to help her, she treated me kindly thereafter.

Most of the Carer’s were from abroad, the agency said the Brits wouldn’t do it. But the one I handed over to, after me that morning, was British, and on my way home on the train, she phoned me begging me to come back as she refused to tolerate her. It helped me understand that it wasn’t me.

I scrubbed and cleaned to make sure my clients were hygienically safe as well. One very wealthy fussy lady was so impressed with my cleanliness she reduced the days her cleaner came! I had a lot to learn.

Quite a few arranged big meals and had guests round or afternoon teas and expected me to cook and wait on them.  Even carry garden furniture around and lift wheel chairs into car boots. Some even begrudged my food which was part of the package. 

I really did learn part of what it felt like to be treated like a slave like the blacks in South Africa.  

I prayed for forgiveness all over again, and prayed often that all whites, in South Africa especially, would come to know Jesus as their Lord, so that they could understand the bible, no one can understand the bible without the indwelling of the Holy Spirt. It is Spiritually discerned. Then they would learn that all people are the same. The colour of one’s skin does not make a person any less or lower in life.

All people are born with sinful, blackened hearts, we desperately need Jesus to make us pure and white as snow in our hearts, by being born of His Spirit and to live righteously for Gods glory.

So, it’s not the colour of our skin but the colour or our hearts, that the world sees, in the way we treat others.  

The Golden Rule – Jesus said in Matthew 7:12. In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you.

Create in me a clean heart O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Psalm 51:10

COVID 19 hit the global fan – no time to duck

Whichever rung of the ladder – you qualify

The staggering loss of lives is terrifying and tragic

Alone – contactless – no last goodbyes – no prayers – no funerals

The panic connected us again   

And levelled the playing field

God in his mercy, gave us time to think. Some of us have been living like there’s no tomorrow, no thought or value for their lives (nor anyone else’s) at all – as seen in their behaviour around the world.

Thank God for the selfless ones who care.

God made us all equal you know – like it or not

God created Adam and Eve and their disobedience put the lot of us on the road to hell. But God so loved the world that he gave us Jesus who came down to earth to show us the way back to God through him. He died on the cross in our place for our sins to save us from death and rose again defeating satan forever.

He levelled the playing field – all who believe in Him can be reconciled back to God and be saved.

How did you do in lockdown?

In the beginning I thought I was okay. I was new to a church and didn’t have friends yet. At Easter the pastor and his wife kindly blessed me with flowers.   

Gosh I missed my daughter terribly – we’ve always been so close, very lovey dovey – affectionately touchy feely…South Africans I think are, many people here told me that. I know its different here in UK – a sign of weakness to show your feelings some said. Stiff upper lip and all that. Traditions – tough nut to crack – it makes fellowship quite strained. That didn’t half make me depressed though. No real contact – no sense of sharing.

As the months dragged on, I thought I was going nuts.

Some days I felt as though I’d been through the wringer – flat – dead – bereft.

My doctors were wonderfully kind over the phone. I phoned them the first few weeks to see if they were okay, and to tell them I was praying for them. They stuck it out. God bless them. My digestive/health issues kicked off as well – eating disorders when I was younger. Nerves, sciatica, they all played up again.

I put myself on – The Ultimate Guide to the Daniel Fast – by Kristen Feola – 21 days. I’ve a history of comfort eating so that was extremely tough, but lockdown came at a time when I was just beginning to pluck up courage to start blogging and needed help and support. Now I was thrown off kilter and lost at sea. But I trusted God to show me the way and help me sort out / lay down all that was hindering me. I also switched the telly off.

I know God loves me…so what if I’m different…that’s the way he made me and there’s no no need to explain my existence. I slowly came out of my shell…with a little time…

I love flowers and arranging them, when we could go back to the shops, I bought some for my flat, I don’t have a garden, so it’s a treat for me to sit and admire Gods beautiful creations. I try and extend their lifespan for as long as possible; trimming down and changing vases – until I just have to throw them out. I’m saddened too sometimes when I find one or two buds broken off from careless handling by the time I buy them.   

But even the broken ones deserve a place, so I find a tiny container to pop them in.  

Sometimes in life we too are cut short by some unfortunate happening or interruption, and we feel robbed of an opportunity to express ourselves, only to withdraw and slip back under our shell – like a tortoise.

Lord, thank you that you teach us to forgive everyone like you did. “Father forgive them for they know not what they do” you said as you hung on the cross.  And instead of rebuke, we pray for those who perhaps don’t yet understand. You remind us that we were once like that too, before you came into our hearts through belief and gave us understanding. You tend and care until we’re able to give you glory as you intended.

Header pic by Pixabay

Rose taken with my phone

It was a warm, sunny Saturday, when my little girl and I were relaxing around the communal pool of our new accommodation. A young single parent strolled over to meet us with her little girl. She listened intently to my woes of recent events, and our ending up back in Joh’burg. Plus the three car accidents in Cape Town, and the one I had just suffered during that week. The sun and the pool were most welcome.

My mind was messy as I drove to collect my daughter from her first school. The blow of being made redundant again was bad enough, but transport being what it is in South Africa, I opted for a sales job with a company car. How was I going to fetch and carry now. I’d reached the middle of the crossing of the massive intersection, where her school grounds were on the corner. When out of the blue, a Paramedic car came screaming around the long bend, and ploughed straight into me. The impact left a huge hole, right through the metal of the passenger door. I spun round and smashed into a little car coming towards me. The young Paramedic driver was new on the job, and forgot to check the road was clear, they said. There were three of them, who all willingly admitted guilt straight away. They paid for all our medical check-ups and that was that. There were no injuries. The company collected the car they’d said I could use, until I was fixed with a new one.

When my new friend invited us to join them for church in the morning, I was delighted. I hadn’t been for years.

As we drove into the car park, I could see this was definitely a different kind of church. The car park sprawled all around the enormous grounds, and up towards the church on the hill. The whole site was enormous. As we walked up to the building, passing hundreds of people, who were all smiling and happy, they greeted us and welcomed us warmly into the church. The auditorium was huge…rows and rows of lovely seats in a half circle sloping all the way down to the front. We sat in a couple of the five thousand seats, a few rows from the back. We’d already taken the two girls to children’s church.

The band was lively and quite sensational, with words on the screens above so everyone joined in, until the place was full. The singing and music was electric, and had put me in another world by this time. When the pastor came to preach, silence fell and he prayed. He was very well dressed in a suit and tie with a kind face. I hadn’t seen that before. Just a man on a stage dressed normally and speaking from the bible. I liked that straight away, and relaxed. For the first time I heard words from the bible and understood. I didn’t feel judged, nor afraid, the jeering voices and fear, were gone. It was such a joy to understand. Being able to enjoy being taught something was foreign to me. The words seemed to make sense as he explained, I was taken in by it all. I liked the preacher too – he was a normal person, like us sitting in the seats. He showed he cared. No hint of being above us, that always put me clean off, and usually reluctant to believe or trust anything from insincere people. Whereas now, I was eager to know more.

He gave an alter call at the end and off I went. I forgot about being shy in crowds, and any kind of attention. I just floated all the way down to the front, in my long, ivory linen, summer coat, which stood out, but wasn’t bothered.

As the pastor prayed for us in the front, my head was hung low, my hair covering my face and tears. I was comatose as I stood there, with dozens of others. My whole body felt like a shattered windscreen, every inch of glass smashed, but still in place, held together by silken threads of grace.

The counsellors came alongside each of one us, and led us through the doors on the side, leading on into separate rooms.  The two ladies with me were loving and kind, as one would expect, simply wonderful. I think I cried for an hour. I was broken and torn and very weak, everything gushed out. Who knows what I poured out onto those poor ladies, but Jesus took it all. He lifted me out of the skip, and made me whole again. I was no longer dirt and unacceptable. He loved me they said. Me…

I knew Jesus died on the cross and that was all. To know it was for my sin, my unbelief, my not knowing anything about what He really died for. He suffered in my place and took my sins – and there were many. I needed to repent and seek forgiveness, and turn away from them, and believe that He was punished in my place. He died for me, was buried and rose again and is now alive. He will take up residence in my heart and lead me into all truth through his Holy Spirit, when I believe. I certainly believed that day for the first time, because I hadn’t heard anyone explain that to me in any church before. To believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and be saved. Who knew what ‘saved’ even meant. I was saved from death because of my sin through Adam, the wages of sin is death, but now became a child of God, re-born into the Spirit of Christ.

By the time I left I had no make up on and red bulging eyes. My friend was with the girls outside looking quite worried. No one took that long normally she said smiling.

My counsellor Yvette, made appointments for me to return to the church every week for a few weeks. A dear tiny little person, with an enormous heart. She gave me scriptures to learn and hang on to. These are some of them – John 3:16, Joshua 1:8-9, Proverbs 3:5-6, Proverbs 1: 7, Matt 6:33, Ephesians 3:20, 2 Corinthians 5:17, Philippians 4:4-7, Romans 10:17.

I so enjoyed going in to the offices and meeting with her, she was so kind, everyone was actually. Pastor Ray was super, he made a point of always greeting my daughter and I. They arranged for a Home Group to include me in their weekly meetings, and even fetched me. Some times they’d bring a meal around or pick us up for church. I was one of them immediately, joined to the family of Christ. Being part of a family, was something I hadn’t experienced since granny died when I was ten. I never fitted in anywhere.

There were bible study lessons at night in the week too, and again was collected and dropped off home. During the very first lesson, I was sitting in the front, amazingly, with my bible my ex-husband had given me for our first wedding anniversary – I asked for a bible. Anyway, I had my bible on my lap like everyone else, listening to Pastor Ray. He asked us to turn to Habakkuk. Who?? I’d never heard of him, oh my, now what. Pastor Ray had glanced my way, my face must have revealed my terror, so casually added, it’s a few books back from Matthew. I flipped open my bible at exactly the right page. That was my first taste of knowing I was no longer alone. God was actually with me, and was teaching me to trust Him, even in the small things. A kind of father thing I imagined.