THE JOY OF LIGHT

Posted on by apeaceofmymind

These past few years have been so turbulent I didn’t know which way was up.  I was lonely, depressed and often suicidal thoughts came – more like – I may as well not be here and would I be missed at all? Then my mom died in Cape Town. I left the church I was attending, Covid happened, Sciatica pains bore down incessantly, telephonic assessments from doctors, anti-social behaviour from a neighbour for eighteen months, with little sleep, allowed me to move home to a lovely peaceful area, which helped me with staying in because of covid. My new flat is half the size of the old one so masses of stuff went off to charity including furniture as I had no space for it.  Now I can’t find anything because it’s either stored in a storage basket or tucked away in drawers out of sight, so I can’t remember or see what’s in them. Plus, a single bed again like a child. Finding a new church is never easy. Finding a new doctor is terribly frustrating, especially over the phone. Compassion never seems to be part of the deal. One of them told me I had Osteoporosis after initially telling me there was nothing wrong with me and to keep taking the pain killers. Strong ones that played havoc with my existing digestive ailments. More X-rays and scans at the hospital during covid. I found a new doctor who said I had Osteoarthritis. After struggling to walk for nearly two years finally there was some clue where the pain was coming from. An ambulance took me to hospital early one Sunday morning with chest pains which was actually a hiatus hernia. After waiting twelve hours I got a taxi home. It’s safe to say that I had a hard time dealing with it all on my own. Yup depression came knocking too. I just recently, suffered the worst flu I’ve ever had in my life, completely flat out like a zombie I was. One quickly realises who your friends are – or not.

I so wanted to write and to blog but I just couldn’t. Things have been whirling around in my head for many years but it’s all muddled up.

My mind went back many years to a beach similar to the above gorgeous pic from PIXABY.  I was on a beach in Cape Town, called Llandudno. It had huge rocks to nestle up to and sink down on a towel.  At that time, it was often empty of crowds and one could soak up the sun in solitude. I love the sun and the joy of lying on a beach with only the sound of the gulls and now and again a loud crash of the waves dumping down on the sand.

Once I’d soaked up enough heat, I strolled over to the freezing Atlantic. I soon got used to the cold and thoroughly enjoyed the sea and relaxed.  Then suddenly, the biggest wave I’ve ever seen loomed threateningly above and astonishingly realised at the same time, I could not swim away as I felt myself being sucked in. As this huge wave appeared I also felt the ground disappear and realised there was a ridge in the sand beneath my feet at that very moment with a sudden drop down to much deeper level; like a cliff edge. The monster wave pounded down tons of water with an almighty crash on top of me. I was deafened and swirling around in a major panic! It was noisy and fierce and rough and very, very dark and terrifying. I like swimming so was not scared of the water but this was something way off the chart! I thank God I held my breath. I allowed myself to be chucked about with the sea until I knew which way was up.  I was so happy to see the light of the sun way up there somewhere, so I dragged my way up to it with every ounce of strength I had left. What absolute joy and gratitude I felt coming to the light and fresh air!

I meandered drunkenly to my towel and collapsed heavily on it and just lay there under that magnificent blue sky, hearing the sea and birds, feeling the presence of the towering Apostle mountains behind me, standing strong and silent. My body soaked up the warmth again as I thought how great it was to be alive.  “The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands” Psalm 19: 1-2.

Thank you, Jesus, for being my Light of the world and for getting me through all this. I know you are sovereign and in control. The joy of the Lord is my strength and indeed you are. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and I will.

It was as though my whole life of feeling abandoned, pain, abuse, struggles, trials, derision, fears, rejection, divorce and various illnesses, near death experiences and unacceptableness everywhere I went, has just been dumped down on me from a dizzy height, and sapped the life out of me.

Psalm 28:7 The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him and I am helped; therefore, my heart exalts, and with my song I shall thank him.

Proverbs 12:25 Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression. But a good word makes it glad.

Sadly, there was no word forthcoming, but I was aware of Satan’s isolation tricks. So, I prayed on my own and called on him daily. He kept reminding me to trust not in man, they let you down, but also pray for your enemies, so I ran to him every time. During covid of course I didn’t see my daughter and her husband but I, on the other hand have never liked speaking of my issues.

Despite it all Father, you cause all things to work together for good to those who love you. I pray I am able to be a good witness for you. I’m determined now to walk away from all things past and believe in your plan for me. Yes, there have been many who’d rather I was drowned and crushed along the way but it’s you who’s in control so they have no chance. Onwards and upwards. Onward Christian soldiers, marching as to war… it is indeed a war. Put your armour on and keep marching. With the cross of Jesus going on before!

Feeling Exposed

Posted on by apeaceofmymind

I’ve so many thoughts pinging in my head, and making me dizzy …but where to touch down?

“There’s no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you” Maya Angelou.

Those crippling memories of my first book flop, haunt my mind relentlessly. But I mustn’t dither now, just get on with it, and start again…a small voice prompts…

It was with great difficulty that I tried to cope with my frequent illnesses, over the past few years…finally someone listened. The X-ray called for more checks; osteoarthritis in the lower back. Now that I’m able to walk again with the aid of more amazing pills, I’m going to push through my melancholic/phlegmatic nature – which so easily takes hold – and get up.

I miss my mom. Heaven awaits.

God is sovereign, keep tuning in…

Remembering times of being useful helped too.  So here goes.

I’m thinking of my very first job working behind a counter. Ouch what a come down from my cosmetic buyer role in an office. Now, after my divorce, I was on full display to the public. Completely out of my comfort zone. But it was a job.

The position was in a large departmental store in Cape Town. In the quiet, men’s department. The counter was small with two people handling the whole show. The delightful young man working for a huge American corporation, which sold gorgeous men’s fragrances and treatments. The first company I think to introduce men’s facial and body creams and potions. The very same company I was a buyer for in Johannesburg, so I was familiar with the products. I think also, he was the first man to hold such a role. The other half of the counter was where I came in, selling all local and international fine fragrances for men.

We were a great team. He taught me everything and was super kind to me; treated me like a mom actually. He lovingly hovered around me when customers approached and asked for things I’d not heard of, I gratefully allowed him to discuss the product for me. He was very protective, and always stood up for me. His half of the counter was flourishing, due to his excellent sales pitch. Something I knew nothing of. This young man was talented and loved fashion, and knew what was new and hot off the press, so to speak. He was a gay fellow, who lived with his mom. She taught him to sew, which encouraged him to make his own clothes, a natural for glamour and fashion. He used to help her as a youngster, with all her sewing orders, fitting everything. He was lovely and tall and well built, with a sharp wit and a hilarious sense of humour.

I was so fond of that caring young man. He showed immense maturity and compassion for my lowly situation, that of a single parent with tremendous hardships. And my being an early Christian, I was yet to learn that the trials and sufferings on our journey through life, always teach us something. And, we learn the most at those times. We are focussed yes, but also anxious to overcome it. And with Gods help we do. Provided we stay tuned in to Him who is sovereign, and has allowed the trial to happen especially to conform us to his Son Jesus Christ. My new friend with his genuine care helped build me up again, and was a blessing to me.

Just what I needed.

There were many young black men coming to the counter, who were also keen to try new things. And like me, hadn’t heard of the men’s perfume names.  

I became acutely aware of their shyness and hesitation of how to go about things. New fragrances were coming out weekly and they wanted to be in the know too.

But how could they? If they didn’t even know how to ask for it. I’d notice them standing at a distance trying to read (if they could) the name – or even just to point to the bottles. My heart broke for them, knowing exactly what they were going through. Feeling embarrassed about not knowing something, and never daring to ask, to avoid being mocked or laughed at for not knowing.

I started putting a few testers on the counter, for them to come and pick up a bottle and try it out. Which was a start. Until the managers complained about leaving them out in case of theft.

Then I came up with another idea. I went out and bought a small, colourful tin tray to put on top of the counter, and displayed a few popular and new fragrance testers on it. The customers flocked around gathering information, enjoying the opportunity of trying new products. They soon learned how to pronounce them with confidence and the word spread. We were off!

My sales rocketed to the amazement of all the clients I dealt with. The big cheeses from Chanel came down from Johannesburg to see for themselves. The tiny counter that was beating sales all over the country!  But the colourful tin tray simply did not do! Chanel replaced it with a lovely silver one. So ever since then tester trays became the greatest tools in the Fragrance world.

My ability to sell wasn’t the issue. It’s how you treat people that garners sales.

Jesus taught me. He turned all my pain and humiliation of my past into a many good uses. I recognized suffering in others and wanted to fix it.

Matthew 7:12. …treat people the same way you want them to treat you… I yearned for people to be patient with me as a child, and teach me things I couldn’t understand. But I learned never to ask.

The popular saying, that only clever people ask questions, never rang true with me. 

Growing up in South Africa, of course there was racism. But after becoming a Christian I learned man was made in God’s image. We’re all the same, but many wrongs were committed.

I understood that my prospective customers, had walked for miles, hours even, to get to work. Out of necessity, due to the locations they were placed. Miles away from anything. Public transport was pitiful if not non-existent.  Their home life was nothing like most whites. There might have been a tin bath with cold water, and then have to share with many others in the early hours of a dark morning.

After hours of walking – often running, brought on massive perspiration for which they were often mocked. Their jobs probably demanded being on their feet most of the day doing heavy work, and on an empty stomach.

I was an anxious person growing up, suffering with tension headaches and frightened of everything. I perspired terribly which was most embarrassing, with hideous dark patches under the arms on my clothes. When I started work at fifteen years of age, I soon learned about anti-perspirants and cheaper scents, in the beginning. As soon as I could afford the best quality, that became a ‘must have’.  I understood.

It was only natural my customers wanted a nice fragrance or deodorant. I made sure they had plenty to choose from. They were so proud when they were able to buy something special that made them feel good.

2 Corinthians 1: 3-4 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

Glory be to God the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit.

There isn’t a human experience that Jesus doesn’t know about.

Kindness is like a passport; you’re welcome anywhere.

Picture by Pixabay