These past few years have been so turbulent I didn’t know which way was up.  I was lonely, depressed and often suicidal thoughts came – more like – I may as well not be here and would I be missed at all? Then my mom died in Cape Town. I left the church I was attending, Covid happened, Sciatica pains bore down incessantly, telephonic assessments from doctors, anti-social behaviour from a neighbour for eighteen months, with little sleep, allowed me to move home to a lovely peaceful area, which helped me with staying in because of covid. My new flat is half the size of the old one so masses of stuff went off to charity including furniture as I had no space for it.  Now I can’t find anything because it’s either stored in a storage basket or tucked away in drawers out of sight, so I can’t remember or see what’s in them. Plus, a single bed again like a child. Finding a new church is never easy. Finding a new doctor is terribly frustrating, especially over the phone. Compassion never seems to be part of the deal. One of them told me I had Osteoporosis after initially telling me there was nothing wrong with me and to keep taking the pain killers. Strong ones that played havoc with my existing digestive ailments. More X-rays and scans at the hospital during covid. I found a new doctor who said I had Osteoarthritis. After struggling to walk for nearly two years finally there was some clue where the pain was coming from. An ambulance took me to hospital early one Sunday morning with chest pains which was actually a hiatus hernia. After waiting twelve hours I got a taxi home. It’s safe to say that I had a hard time dealing with it all on my own. Yup depression came knocking too. I just recently, suffered the worst flu I’ve ever had in my life, completely flat out like a zombie I was. One quickly realises who your friends are – or not.

I so wanted to write and to blog but I just couldn’t. Things have been whirling around in my head for many years but it’s all muddled up.

My mind went back many years to a beach similar to the above gorgeous pic from PIXABY.  I was on a beach in Cape Town, called Llandudno. It had huge rocks to nestle up to and sink down on a towel.  At that time, it was often empty of crowds and one could soak up the sun in solitude. I love the sun and the joy of lying on a beach with only the sound of the gulls and now and again a loud crash of the waves dumping down on the sand.

Once I’d soaked up enough heat, I strolled over to the freezing Atlantic. I soon got used to the cold and thoroughly enjoyed the sea and relaxed.  Then suddenly, the biggest wave I’ve ever seen loomed threateningly above and astonishingly realised at the same time, I could not swim away as I felt myself being sucked in. As this huge wave appeared I also felt the ground disappear and realised there was a ridge in the sand beneath my feet at that very moment with a sudden drop down to much deeper level; like a cliff edge. The monster wave pounded down tons of water with an almighty crash on top of me. I was deafened and swirling around in a major panic! It was noisy and fierce and rough and very, very dark and terrifying. I like swimming so was not scared of the water but this was something way off the chart! I thank God I held my breath. I allowed myself to be chucked about with the sea until I knew which way was up.  I was so happy to see the light of the sun way up there somewhere, so I dragged my way up to it with every ounce of strength I had left. What absolute joy and gratitude I felt coming to the light and fresh air!

I meandered drunkenly to my towel and collapsed heavily on it and just lay there under that magnificent blue sky, hearing the sea and birds, feeling the presence of the towering Apostle mountains behind me, standing strong and silent. My body soaked up the warmth again as I thought how great it was to be alive.  “The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands” Psalm 19: 1-2.

Thank you, Jesus, for being my Light of the world and for getting me through all this. I know you are sovereign and in control. The joy of the Lord is my strength and indeed you are. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and I will.

It was as though my whole life of feeling abandoned, pain, abuse, struggles, trials, derision, fears, rejection, divorce and various illnesses, near death experiences and unacceptableness everywhere I went, has just been dumped down on me from a dizzy height, and sapped the life out of me.

Psalm 28:7 The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him and I am helped; therefore, my heart exalts, and with my song I shall thank him.

Proverbs 12:25 Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression. But a good word makes it glad.

Sadly, there was no word forthcoming, but I was aware of Satan’s isolation tricks. So, I prayed on my own and called on him daily. He kept reminding me to trust not in man, they let you down, but also pray for your enemies, so I ran to him every time. During covid of course I didn’t see my daughter and her husband but I, on the other hand have never liked speaking of my issues.

Despite it all Father, you cause all things to work together for good to those who love you. I pray I am able to be a good witness for you. I’m determined now to walk away from all things past and believe in your plan for me. Yes, there have been many who’d rather I was drowned and crushed along the way but it’s you who’s in control so they have no chance. Onwards and upwards. Onward Christian soldiers, marching as to war… it is indeed a war. Put your armour on and keep marching. With the cross of Jesus going on before!

Reaping and Sowing

Walking behind a young couple, with a little kiddie walking in the middle, when suddenly, dad dashed into a driveway, near the entrance and began uprooting a plant. I wasn’t close enough to see much – but they walked off with a small plant.

Saddened and shocked, I pondered on this seemingly insignificant incident – to them.

But that’s just it. It isn’t insignificant at all.

Mum must surely have felt embarrassed, or perhaps she was used to that sort of thing. The child – well he/she just had a lesson in how to steal. Dad – well he thinks he’s got away with it because no one saw him.

Sad state of affairs, don’t you think?

One could say they’ve never been told its wrong to take what’s not yours, and in todays world its probably true.

But once again the bible, or ‘the good book’, or the Word of God, says ‘You shall not steal’ Exodus 20:15. And not knowing isn’t an excuse, as God gave everyone a conscience to warn us of wrong doing or going against Gods word. We instinctively know. Even a child will lie and say “no it wasn’t me” when caught. Or something similar. We’ve all done it.

So if the law of the land doesn’t catch you out, reaping and sowing does still happen. Or, what goes around comes around. They’ll get their comeuppance. When we steal from others, someone will steal from us. The theft is bad seed. Only negative results will come about, and it may not be in the way of theft even. We don’t know.

God sees everything.

What you do to others will be done to you.

So somewhere down the line someone will steal from you. Maybe not a plant either, but anything belonging to you or your family even. What a risk.

Ignorance of Gods word is allowing sin to to rule all our lives.

And to think – there are even churches (?) – who won’t mention sin in case it offends someone. They are in fact preventing people from knowing the truth and how they can be freed from sin and its power and its consequences. They’re supposed to be preaching the Word of God who loves people and doesn’t want any to perish. Makes you wonder who’s their god.

The blessed Lord Jesus died to save us from it all because he loves us, even though we were sinners – born in sin – he went to the cross to save us from the power of sin over us. God knew we would sin and gave us Jesus, to save us from it. Only One who is sinless could save us.

But for centuries people reject his offer of salvation because they choose to live the way they do. Their pride won’t allow them to admit they are wrong. So they deny him. But that’s no excuse.

Sadly they will still pay for it, according to the word of God.

By the way, I’ve made dozens – no hundreds – no thousands of mistakes, so I know how it feels.

As a single parent I lied to get a job. I was broken and desperate. I just wanted a job to start again. To try and pick myself up from the derision I’d suffered. I knew I’d lied. But years later when I looked back, I thought to myself what an idiot I was to give it up. Then my conscience kicked in, wham – nothing good can happen when you break the Ten Commandments. When we lie we sin. It was only natural that the job didn’t last. You can’t build on sand.

Everything has consequences.

But God is merciful and doesn’t want anyone to perish. When we genuinely seek him and his forgiveness, he will make a way for you to come to him. Just like the thief on the cross…

Luke 23: 41-43. And we indeed are suffering justly, for we are receiving what we deserve for our deeds; but this man has done nothing wrong. And he was saying, “Jesus, remember me when You come in Your kingdom!” And He said to him, “Truly I say to you, today you shall be with Me in Paradise.”

What a gift!

I was a squashed cabbage leaf when I came to Jesus, and he made me brand new.

Psalm 34:18 The LORD is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

That’s why I was saddened by what I witnessed that day with that young couple. I knew the risk. All I could do was pray for them.

Picture by Pixabay