THE POWER OF LOVE

Posted on by apeaceofmymind

                I loved my bump. I cuddled and cooed and lovingly massaged oils all over my body. My diet flipped out and I ate weird things for the duration – normally a grapefruit, soda water girl – I’d devour two greasy burgers and chips in one go quite easily, and regularly, then washed it all down with cans of coke! I waddled about happily, and was in love with my baby from the moment I knew I was pregnant.

                When the time came, my normal fear of pain made it easy for me to go along with my trusted gynaecologist’s advice of an epidural, which turned out to be an “arghhh – what were you thinking!?!”  kind of pain. But with all my hang-ups – it sure did the trick – and I had a baby.

The warm sun streamed into my room at the smart Parklane Clinic in Johannesburg, and kissed all the pretty flowers’ faces banked all around the walls. Their smiley faces soothed my mind as I tried to absorb the massive transformation that had taken place in my life. I was a mother – what an awesome privilege – and was I capable to even do this?

                Daddy had dashed home to change, but the memory of his big blue eyes bulging with tears at the event, was a precious memory.

“Let me take her for a while” the smiling nurse offered.

“Oh no, please, can’t I …”.

                “But you need to rest and let us attend to her” she insisted. “I’m guessing this is your first”? she said laughingly as I protested.

“But I don’t need to rest, leave her for a bit longer please” I begged, shifting away as she leaned over to take her. “Just a bit longer please …”.

And so, the tug of war continued – I hung on to her for dear life.

It continued for years I’m afraid. Just having someone to pour all my love into and receive unconditional love back, was simply the best thing. I loved and adored her, she came first in everything and all my devotion was to her – even to the exclusion of daddy at times – big mistake moms. It felt so good being needed at last, so my life revolved around her.

Loving that precious little person, was a wow – what an amazing treasure! What a responsibility! I was going to make sure she was loved and picked up and held and cuddled, just treated like the miracle she was.  I didn’t want anything else, just to love her to bits and keep her safe, and make sure others treated her with love and respect too. She was so helpless and defenceless. What a privilege to have this little baby. She deserved to be taken care of all the time, and she deserved my time to really listen with both ears as she grew, for her to know I’d heard, and all the time too, and to make sure I’d understood when she needed me, to drop whatever I was doing and fix whatever it was, to be there when she cried. No one was going to hurt my lil angel. 

But then – he didn’t want to be married anymore – before her second birthday. Suddenly I found myself a single mom, bewildered, and trying to be both parents. I messed up badly all over the place, and abysmally in a dad’s role. Perhaps afraid to discipline firmly, fearing she wouldn’t love me anymore or worse, alienate her if I said no. I wanted the lines open between us – always – and for her to know I’d always be there for her…  I’d never known that; someone who was always there. I wanted to shield her from that pain of feeling unloved, confusion, fear, abandonment, and ultimately rejection… naturally I couldn’t, it’s just not humanly possible to do it all.  

The only thing I knew how to do was to love her, and for her to know she was loved and valued just the way she was. Hoping to build her up on the inside so that when the nasty spiteful words spew out from the world, she would know in her heart that it wasn’t true, and she wouldn’t take it to heart and believe it. I just wanted her heart to be filled with love so that fear and self-doubt, which grips and imprisons the mind wouldn’t take over. It breeds all kinds of anxious lies and illnesses. I wanted to shield her from everything so she knew she was acceptable just the way she was. She was such a happy baby, always singing and smiling, everyone loved her.

Then one day I became a Christian, and started reading my bible, which was so intimidating for me I can tell you. Mocking, teasing images from childhood kept me silent and literally in the dark, I just believed I couldn’t do it.  Now, I had this beautiful, heavy, leather book to read, with its delicate, gilt-edged pages of thousands of words in tiny print… how on earth was I to cope with this challenge…on my own?

But grace and mercy had touched my torn heart… and it moved, things stirred deep in my soul and I wanted to know more. And with the wonderful people from my new church in Johannesburg, who all came alongside me to help, even the pastor. Such a blessing in a huge church. They’d pick me up for home-group and phone me to see how I was doing, brought meals round, gave my daughter lifts to school, offering help wherever they could. Their love for Jesus produced overflowing kindness toward me and showed me that God loved me, me? I feasted on their wonderful fruits and experienced a sense of family I’d long since forgotten… boarding school left a gaping hole – an abyss – between me and life itself… I belonged nowhere. Now this church was bridging that gap, I was one of them immediately, I belonged to the family of Christ. They were helping this baby Christian crawl.

My bible knowledge was zero, so when I read in Matthew 10:37 …He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me – I’m afraid I had a bit of a McEnroe reaction “You can – not be serious”!

I meditated on that to try and understand. Until I did, I just believed it like a child and tried to obey. Our love for loved ones multiplies when Jesus controls our hearts; when He is Lord of our lives. It doesn’t diminish like I feared, it overflows like a gushing waterfall, and is enough to share with others forever, bringing glory to God. Not surrendering to God’s love and honouring Him first, stunts our potential and blocks off love at the source.

Gratitude and forgiveness flow easily when love opens the door to it.

1 Corinthians 13:4 Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope and patience never fail.

Proverbs 10:12 …love covers a multitude of sins. (True love seeks the highest good for another. John MacArthur Study Bible).

She took me to Corfu for my 70th birthday. I’ve always loved the sun, sea and sand and besides it was the place I had my honeymoon and often dreamt of returning there. The love of God never fails, what a blessing!

THE JOY OF LIGHT

Posted on by apeaceofmymind

These past few years have been so turbulent I didn’t know which way was up.  I was lonely, depressed and often suicidal thoughts came – more like – I may as well not be here and would I be missed at all? Then my mom died in Cape Town. I left the church I was attending, Covid happened, Sciatica pains bore down incessantly, telephonic assessments from doctors, anti-social behaviour from a neighbour for eighteen months, with little sleep, allowed me to move home to a lovely peaceful area, which helped me with staying in because of covid. My new flat is half the size of the old one so masses of stuff went off to charity including furniture as I had no space for it.  Now I can’t find anything because it’s either stored in a storage basket or tucked away in drawers out of sight, so I can’t remember or see what’s in them. Plus, a single bed again like a child. Finding a new church is never easy. Finding a new doctor is terribly frustrating, especially over the phone. Compassion never seems to be part of the deal. One of them told me I had Osteoporosis after initially telling me there was nothing wrong with me and to keep taking the pain killers. Strong ones that played havoc with my existing digestive ailments. More X-rays and scans at the hospital during covid. I found a new doctor who said I had Osteoarthritis. After struggling to walk for nearly two years finally there was some clue where the pain was coming from. An ambulance took me to hospital early one Sunday morning with chest pains which was actually a hiatus hernia. After waiting twelve hours I got a taxi home. It’s safe to say that I had a hard time dealing with it all on my own. Yup depression came knocking too. I just recently, suffered the worst flu I’ve ever had in my life, completely flat out like a zombie I was. One quickly realises who your friends are – or not.

I so wanted to write and to blog but I just couldn’t. Things have been whirling around in my head for many years but it’s all muddled up.

My mind went back many years to a beach similar to the above gorgeous pic from PIXABY.  I was on a beach in Cape Town, called Llandudno. It had huge rocks to nestle up to and sink down on a towel.  At that time, it was often empty of crowds and one could soak up the sun in solitude. I love the sun and the joy of lying on a beach with only the sound of the gulls and now and again a loud crash of the waves dumping down on the sand.

Once I’d soaked up enough heat, I strolled over to the freezing Atlantic. I soon got used to the cold and thoroughly enjoyed the sea and relaxed.  Then suddenly, the biggest wave I’ve ever seen loomed threateningly above and astonishingly realised at the same time, I could not swim away as I felt myself being sucked in. As this huge wave appeared I also felt the ground disappear and realised there was a ridge in the sand beneath my feet at that very moment with a sudden drop down to much deeper level; like a cliff edge. The monster wave pounded down tons of water with an almighty crash on top of me. I was deafened and swirling around in a major panic! It was noisy and fierce and rough and very, very dark and terrifying. I like swimming so was not scared of the water but this was something way off the chart! I thank God I held my breath. I allowed myself to be chucked about with the sea until I knew which way was up.  I was so happy to see the light of the sun way up there somewhere, so I dragged my way up to it with every ounce of strength I had left. What absolute joy and gratitude I felt coming to the light and fresh air!

I meandered drunkenly to my towel and collapsed heavily on it and just lay there under that magnificent blue sky, hearing the sea and birds, feeling the presence of the towering Apostle mountains behind me, standing strong and silent. My body soaked up the warmth again as I thought how great it was to be alive.  “The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands” Psalm 19: 1-2.

Thank you, Jesus, for being my Light of the world and for getting me through all this. I know you are sovereign and in control. The joy of the Lord is my strength and indeed you are. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and I will.

It was as though my whole life of feeling abandoned, pain, abuse, struggles, trials, derision, fears, rejection, divorce and various illnesses, near death experiences and unacceptableness everywhere I went, has just been dumped down on me from a dizzy height, and sapped the life out of me.

Psalm 28:7 The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him and I am helped; therefore, my heart exalts, and with my song I shall thank him.

Proverbs 12:25 Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression. But a good word makes it glad.

Sadly, there was no word forthcoming, but I was aware of Satan’s isolation tricks. So, I prayed on my own and called on him daily. He kept reminding me to trust not in man, they let you down, but also pray for your enemies, so I ran to him every time. During covid of course I didn’t see my daughter and her husband but I, on the other hand have never liked speaking of my issues.

Despite it all Father, you cause all things to work together for good to those who love you. I pray I am able to be a good witness for you. I’m determined now to walk away from all things past and believe in your plan for me. Yes, there have been many who’d rather I was drowned and crushed along the way but it’s you who’s in control so they have no chance. Onwards and upwards. Onward Christian soldiers, marching as to war… it is indeed a war. Put your armour on and keep marching. With the cross of Jesus going on before!

BRAND NEW

Posted on by apeaceofmymind

All what we see in the world today …

Hatred, rudeness, unkindness, selfishness, arrogant pride, haughtiness, discrimination against any nation = racism, disrespect for one another, dishonouring of parents and elderly, lack of obedience to parents, ingratitude to the generosity and help offered by others, and especially by those in the emergency and medical services, refusing to be told or taught by parents and teachers and all in authority, spitting, mocking, vile language, rage, killings, raping, kidnapping, intimate relations with anyone outside of biblical marriage, bullying, cruelty to all animals, abusing animals for money, taking what’s not yours, not telling the truth, destroying property or someone else’s possessions…

Is all evidence of how sinful we are born – with evil hearts – no one taught us this way, it’s the natural progression of Adams disobedience to God. (Yes, Eve sinned too, but she was lovingly put under his protection, and chose to move out of it and fell – taking all mankind with, in the Fall). But we’re not all the same in our sinfulness, but nevertheless, sinful.

When we engage in any of those sinful behaviours, things inevitably go wrong.

Jesus came down into the world to teach us the correct way, the righteous way, but people still wanted their way to be right, they chose darkness.

But God – Jesus – loved the world so much, he took all the world’s sins in his own body, and died on the cross to save us, from eternal depravity, darkness and suffering in hell, so that believing in Him we can become brand new, born again, free from the power of sin.

Nations that have denied parents and schools, teaching about Jesus and disciplining their children to live godly clean lives, to bring honour to them and worship God, have rejected Gods love and protection and grace, and bring on themselves worldly disasters without his help.

Guess what? They blame God! It’s what they choose.

People who love God, love Jesus, love the bible – the Word of God, love their neighbour, and want to help others and be kind and loving. Its natural. It shows we belong to a higher realm, because we honour God who made us and we desire to obey.

Yes, we Christians, still make mistakes in our sinful earthly flesh, daily sometimes even, but we have a Father in heaven who loves us and by His grace he protects us and brings us back to him for repentance, so we can live in rest and peace now, even when things go wrong and we get sick, and even after we die here on earth. We’ll always be in rest and peace with Him for all eternity.

Rejoice in the birth of Christ! There’s no greater Gift!

Ps…for the first time in 7 decades, I have felt free to speak…

Never forget! Bullying and derision is a sin.

Photo by Jill Wellington on Pexels.com