I loved my bump. I cuddled and cooed and lovingly massaged oils all over my body. My diet flipped out and I ate weird things for the duration – normally a grapefruit, soda water girl – I’d devour two greasy burgers and chips in one go quite easily, and regularly, then washed it all down with cans of coke! I waddled about happily, and was in love with my baby from the moment I knew I was pregnant.
When the time came, my normal fear of pain made it easy for me to go along with my trusted gynaecologist’s advice of an epidural, which turned out to be an “arghhh – what were you thinking!?!” kind of pain. But with all my hang-ups – it sure did the trick – and I had a baby.
The warm sun streamed into my room at the smart Parklane Clinic in Johannesburg, and kissed all the pretty flowers’ faces banked all around the walls. Their smiley faces soothed my mind as I tried to absorb the massive transformation that had taken place in my life. I was a mother – what an awesome privilege – and was I capable to even do this?
Daddy had dashed home to change, but the memory of his big blue eyes bulging with tears at the event, was a precious memory.
“Let me take her for a while” the smiling nurse offered.
“Oh no, please, can’t I …”.
“But you need to rest and let us attend to her” she insisted. “I’m guessing this is your first”? she said laughingly as I protested.
“But I don’t need to rest, leave her for a bit longer please” I begged, shifting away as she leaned over to take her. “Just a bit longer please …”.
And so, the tug of war continued – I hung on to her for dear life.
It continued for years I’m afraid. Just having someone to pour all my love into and receive unconditional love back, was simply the best thing. I loved and adored her, she came first in everything and all my devotion was to her – even to the exclusion of daddy at times – big mistake moms. It felt so good being needed at last, so my life revolved around her.
Loving that precious little person, was a wow – what an amazing treasure! What a responsibility! I was going to make sure she was loved and picked up and held and cuddled, just treated like the miracle she was. I didn’t want anything else, just to love her to bits and keep her safe, and make sure others treated her with love and respect too. She was so helpless and defenceless. What a privilege to have this little baby. She deserved to be taken care of all the time, and she deserved my time to really listen with both ears as she grew, for her to know I’d heard, and all the time too, and to make sure I’d understood when she needed me, to drop whatever I was doing and fix whatever it was, to be there when she cried. No one was going to hurt my lil angel.
But then – he didn’t want to be married anymore – before her second birthday. Suddenly I found myself a single mom, bewildered, and trying to be both parents. I messed up badly all over the place, and abysmally in a dad’s role. Perhaps afraid to discipline firmly, fearing she wouldn’t love me anymore or worse, alienate her if I said no. I wanted the lines open between us – always – and for her to know I’d always be there for her… I’d never known that; someone who was always there. I wanted to shield her from that pain of feeling unloved, confusion, fear, abandonment, and ultimately rejection… naturally I couldn’t, it’s just not humanly possible to do it all.
The only thing I knew how to do was to love her, and for her to know she was loved and valued just the way she was. Hoping to build her up on the inside so that when the nasty spiteful words spew out from the world, she would know in her heart that it wasn’t true, and she wouldn’t take it to heart and believe it. I just wanted her heart to be filled with love so that fear and self-doubt, which grips and imprisons the mind wouldn’t take over. It breeds all kinds of anxious lies and illnesses. I wanted to shield her from everything so she knew she was acceptable just the way she was. She was such a happy baby, always singing and smiling, everyone loved her.
Then one day I became a Christian, and started reading my bible, which was so intimidating for me I can tell you. Mocking, teasing images from childhood kept me silent and literally in the dark, I just believed I couldn’t do it. Now, I had this beautiful, heavy, leather book to read, with its delicate, gilt-edged pages of thousands of words in tiny print… how on earth was I to cope with this challenge…on my own?
But grace and mercy had touched my torn heart… and it moved, things stirred deep in my soul and I wanted to know more. And with the wonderful people from my new church in Johannesburg, who all came alongside me to help, even the pastor. Such a blessing in a huge church. They’d pick me up for home-group and phone me to see how I was doing, brought meals round, gave my daughter lifts to school, offering help wherever they could. Their love for Jesus produced overflowing kindness toward me and showed me that God loved me, me? I feasted on their wonderful fruits and experienced a sense of family I’d long since forgotten… boarding school left a gaping hole – an abyss – between me and life itself… I belonged nowhere. Now this church was bridging that gap, I was one of them immediately, I belonged to the family of Christ. They were helping this baby Christian crawl.
My bible knowledge was zero, so when I read in Matthew 10:37 …He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me – I’m afraid I had a bit of a McEnroe reaction “You can – not be serious”!
I meditated on that to try and understand. Until I did, I just believed it like a child and tried to obey. Our love for loved ones multiplies when Jesus controls our hearts; when He is Lord of our lives. It doesn’t diminish like I feared, it overflows like a gushing waterfall, and is enough to share with others forever, bringing glory to God. Not surrendering to God’s love and honouring Him first, stunts our potential and blocks off love at the source.
Gratitude and forgiveness flow easily when love opens the door to it.
1 Corinthians 13:4 Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope and patience never fail.
Proverbs 10:12 …love covers a multitude of sins. (True love seeks the highest good for another. John MacArthur Study Bible).
She took me to Corfu for my 70th birthday. I’ve always loved the sun, sea and sand and besides it was the place I had my honeymoon and often dreamt of returning there. The love of God never fails, what a blessing!
A Peace of My Mind 