THE POWER OF LOVE

Posted on by apeaceofmymind

                I loved my bump. I cuddled and cooed and lovingly massaged oils all over my body. My diet flipped out and I ate weird things for the duration – normally a grapefruit, soda water girl – I’d devour two greasy burgers and chips in one go quite easily, and regularly, then washed it all down with cans of coke! I waddled about happily, and was in love with my baby from the moment I knew I was pregnant.

                When the time came, my normal fear of pain made it easy for me to go along with my trusted gynaecologist’s advice of an epidural, which turned out to be an “arghhh – what were you thinking!?!”  kind of pain. But with all my hang-ups – it sure did the trick – and I had a baby.

The warm sun streamed into my room at the smart Parklane Clinic in Johannesburg, and kissed all the pretty flowers’ faces banked all around the walls. Their smiley faces soothed my mind as I tried to absorb the massive transformation that had taken place in my life. I was a mother – what an awesome privilege – and was I capable to even do this?

                Daddy had dashed home to change, but the memory of his big blue eyes bulging with tears at the event, was a precious memory.

“Let me take her for a while” the smiling nurse offered.

“Oh no, please, can’t I …”.

                “But you need to rest and let us attend to her” she insisted. “I’m guessing this is your first”? she said laughingly as I protested.

“But I don’t need to rest, leave her for a bit longer please” I begged, shifting away as she leaned over to take her. “Just a bit longer please …”.

And so, the tug of war continued – I hung on to her for dear life.

It continued for years I’m afraid. Just having someone to pour all my love into and receive unconditional love back, was simply the best thing. I loved and adored her, she came first in everything and all my devotion was to her – even to the exclusion of daddy at times – big mistake moms. It felt so good being needed at last, so my life revolved around her.

Loving that precious little person, was a wow – what an amazing treasure! What a responsibility! I was going to make sure she was loved and picked up and held and cuddled, just treated like the miracle she was.  I didn’t want anything else, just to love her to bits and keep her safe, and make sure others treated her with love and respect too. She was so helpless and defenceless. What a privilege to have this little baby. She deserved to be taken care of all the time, and she deserved my time to really listen with both ears as she grew, for her to know I’d heard, and all the time too, and to make sure I’d understood when she needed me, to drop whatever I was doing and fix whatever it was, to be there when she cried. No one was going to hurt my lil angel. 

But then – he didn’t want to be married anymore – before her second birthday. Suddenly I found myself a single mom, bewildered, and trying to be both parents. I messed up badly all over the place, and abysmally in a dad’s role. Perhaps afraid to discipline firmly, fearing she wouldn’t love me anymore or worse, alienate her if I said no. I wanted the lines open between us – always – and for her to know I’d always be there for her…  I’d never known that; someone who was always there. I wanted to shield her from that pain of feeling unloved, confusion, fear, abandonment, and ultimately rejection… naturally I couldn’t, it’s just not humanly possible to do it all.  

The only thing I knew how to do was to love her, and for her to know she was loved and valued just the way she was. Hoping to build her up on the inside so that when the nasty spiteful words spew out from the world, she would know in her heart that it wasn’t true, and she wouldn’t take it to heart and believe it. I just wanted her heart to be filled with love so that fear and self-doubt, which grips and imprisons the mind wouldn’t take over. It breeds all kinds of anxious lies and illnesses. I wanted to shield her from everything so she knew she was acceptable just the way she was. She was such a happy baby, always singing and smiling, everyone loved her.

Then one day I became a Christian, and started reading my bible, which was so intimidating for me I can tell you. Mocking, teasing images from childhood kept me silent and literally in the dark, I just believed I couldn’t do it.  Now, I had this beautiful, heavy, leather book to read, with its delicate, gilt-edged pages of thousands of words in tiny print… how on earth was I to cope with this challenge…on my own?

But grace and mercy had touched my torn heart… and it moved, things stirred deep in my soul and I wanted to know more. And with the wonderful people from my new church in Johannesburg, who all came alongside me to help, even the pastor. Such a blessing in a huge church. They’d pick me up for home-group and phone me to see how I was doing, brought meals round, gave my daughter lifts to school, offering help wherever they could. Their love for Jesus produced overflowing kindness toward me and showed me that God loved me, me? I feasted on their wonderful fruits and experienced a sense of family I’d long since forgotten… boarding school left a gaping hole – an abyss – between me and life itself… I belonged nowhere. Now this church was bridging that gap, I was one of them immediately, I belonged to the family of Christ. They were helping this baby Christian crawl.

My bible knowledge was zero, so when I read in Matthew 10:37 …He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me – I’m afraid I had a bit of a McEnroe reaction “You can – not be serious”!

I meditated on that to try and understand. Until I did, I just believed it like a child and tried to obey. Our love for loved ones multiplies when Jesus controls our hearts; when He is Lord of our lives. It doesn’t diminish like I feared, it overflows like a gushing waterfall, and is enough to share with others forever, bringing glory to God. Not surrendering to God’s love and honouring Him first, stunts our potential and blocks off love at the source.

Gratitude and forgiveness flow easily when love opens the door to it.

1 Corinthians 13:4 Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope and patience never fail.

Proverbs 10:12 …love covers a multitude of sins. (True love seeks the highest good for another. John MacArthur Study Bible).

She took me to Corfu for my 70th birthday. I’ve always loved the sun, sea and sand and besides it was the place I had my honeymoon and often dreamt of returning there. The love of God never fails, what a blessing!

Feeling Exposed

Posted on by apeaceofmymind

I’ve so many thoughts pinging in my head, and making me dizzy …but where to touch down?

“There’s no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you” Maya Angelou.

Those crippling memories of my first book flop, haunt my mind relentlessly. But I mustn’t dither now, just get on with it, and start again…a small voice prompts…

It was with great difficulty that I tried to cope with my frequent illnesses, over the past few years…finally someone listened. The X-ray called for more checks; osteoarthritis in the lower back. Now that I’m able to walk again with the aid of more amazing pills, I’m going to push through my melancholic/phlegmatic nature – which so easily takes hold – and get up.

I miss my mom. Heaven awaits.

God is sovereign, keep tuning in…

Remembering times of being useful helped too.  So here goes.

I’m thinking of my very first job working behind a counter. Ouch what a come down from my cosmetic buyer role in an office. Now, after my divorce, I was on full display to the public. Completely out of my comfort zone. But it was a job.

The position was in a large departmental store in Cape Town. In the quiet, men’s department. The counter was small with two people handling the whole show. The delightful young man working for a huge American corporation, which sold gorgeous men’s fragrances and treatments. The first company I think to introduce men’s facial and body creams and potions. The very same company I was a buyer for in Johannesburg, so I was familiar with the products. I think also, he was the first man to hold such a role. The other half of the counter was where I came in, selling all local and international fine fragrances for men.

We were a great team. He taught me everything and was super kind to me; treated me like a mom actually. He lovingly hovered around me when customers approached and asked for things I’d not heard of, I gratefully allowed him to discuss the product for me. He was very protective, and always stood up for me. His half of the counter was flourishing, due to his excellent sales pitch. Something I knew nothing of. This young man was talented and loved fashion, and knew what was new and hot off the press, so to speak. He was a gay fellow, who lived with his mom. She taught him to sew, which encouraged him to make his own clothes, a natural for glamour and fashion. He used to help her as a youngster, with all her sewing orders, fitting everything. He was lovely and tall and well built, with a sharp wit and a hilarious sense of humour.

I was so fond of that caring young man. He showed immense maturity and compassion for my lowly situation, that of a single parent with tremendous hardships. And my being an early Christian, I was yet to learn that the trials and sufferings on our journey through life, always teach us something. And, we learn the most at those times. We are focussed yes, but also anxious to overcome it. And with Gods help we do. Provided we stay tuned in to Him who is sovereign, and has allowed the trial to happen especially to conform us to his Son Jesus Christ. My new friend with his genuine care helped build me up again, and was a blessing to me.

Just what I needed.

There were many young black men coming to the counter, who were also keen to try new things. And like me, hadn’t heard of the men’s perfume names.  

I became acutely aware of their shyness and hesitation of how to go about things. New fragrances were coming out weekly and they wanted to be in the know too.

But how could they? If they didn’t even know how to ask for it. I’d notice them standing at a distance trying to read (if they could) the name – or even just to point to the bottles. My heart broke for them, knowing exactly what they were going through. Feeling embarrassed about not knowing something, and never daring to ask, to avoid being mocked or laughed at for not knowing.

I started putting a few testers on the counter, for them to come and pick up a bottle and try it out. Which was a start. Until the managers complained about leaving them out in case of theft.

Then I came up with another idea. I went out and bought a small, colourful tin tray to put on top of the counter, and displayed a few popular and new fragrance testers on it. The customers flocked around gathering information, enjoying the opportunity of trying new products. They soon learned how to pronounce them with confidence and the word spread. We were off!

My sales rocketed to the amazement of all the clients I dealt with. The big cheeses from Chanel came down from Johannesburg to see for themselves. The tiny counter that was beating sales all over the country!  But the colourful tin tray simply did not do! Chanel replaced it with a lovely silver one. So ever since then tester trays became the greatest tools in the Fragrance world.

My ability to sell wasn’t the issue. It’s how you treat people that garners sales.

Jesus taught me. He turned all my pain and humiliation of my past into a many good uses. I recognized suffering in others and wanted to fix it.

Matthew 7:12. …treat people the same way you want them to treat you… I yearned for people to be patient with me as a child, and teach me things I couldn’t understand. But I learned never to ask.

The popular saying, that only clever people ask questions, never rang true with me. 

Growing up in South Africa, of course there was racism. But after becoming a Christian I learned man was made in God’s image. We’re all the same, but many wrongs were committed.

I understood that my prospective customers, had walked for miles, hours even, to get to work. Out of necessity, due to the locations they were placed. Miles away from anything. Public transport was pitiful if not non-existent.  Their home life was nothing like most whites. There might have been a tin bath with cold water, and then have to share with many others in the early hours of a dark morning.

After hours of walking – often running, brought on massive perspiration for which they were often mocked. Their jobs probably demanded being on their feet most of the day doing heavy work, and on an empty stomach.

I was an anxious person growing up, suffering with tension headaches and frightened of everything. I perspired terribly which was most embarrassing, with hideous dark patches under the arms on my clothes. When I started work at fifteen years of age, I soon learned about anti-perspirants and cheaper scents, in the beginning. As soon as I could afford the best quality, that became a ‘must have’.  I understood.

It was only natural my customers wanted a nice fragrance or deodorant. I made sure they had plenty to choose from. They were so proud when they were able to buy something special that made them feel good.

2 Corinthians 1: 3-4 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

Glory be to God the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit.

There isn’t a human experience that Jesus doesn’t know about.

Kindness is like a passport; you’re welcome anywhere.

Picture by Pixabay