My blog is about talking – sharing thoughts, even things that have shaped me. I was never one for saying much. So I still feel as though I’m climbing a mountain when I’m trying to express myself.
Some of us had it tough growing up – especially the quiet, shy, withdrawn types, or felt neglected ones, or maybe just different. Silence was safer.
Bullies are attracted to those. They get a perverse thrill ridiculing others’ in public. Bullies need an audience. Being dumped on over and over again, piles up inside our heads and pushes out all hope and reason, until we believe it. Even if it’s not true! We feel no one is on our side, because no one ever cares enough to tell us anything different.
That cuts deep down, because it rips out trust and replaces it with a shocking realisation (in our minds) that we’re unacceptable, just for being the way we are.
Sometimes we want to change ourselves, be someone else, just to be accepted, anything, not to be noticed or picked on. Maybe even run away, or harm our bodies, because that must be what they all hate, so we hate it too. Or even worse, we think of ending it all, because living with those feelings on your own, makes us feel like outcasts.
Someone once said, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I was terrified of being punished or laughed at – never allowed to make mistakes (or learn) so I avoided people and talking.
In my solitude I analysed everything, and wondered why it was all happening. Then I recognised pain in others and wanted to help, but fear and unworthiness, held me back.
My life drifted along aimlessly, like a dead twig on a stream. Each time I hit something I changed direction…
I went all over the place – unaware that I had a Guardian Angel watching over me through it all. The Lord Jesus Christ.
Here are some of my experiences I wrote down many years ago, but wasn’t sure how to tell it. Some from when I didn’t know Him as The Lord God, and some when I did. He was in control anyway. How privileged was I to have been graciously drawn in, albeit decades later? But there was much I had to learn through painful suffering first, because I just wasn’t listening.
All pictures by Pixabay unless otherwise stated.